A Positive No? (Part 2 of 2)

It has been close to three months since I introduced the idea of a positive No.  Observing my own responses to potential No situations since then, I can safely say that I lean towards accommodating with hints of attacking when I feel cornered. Definitely not an avoider.

Intrigued by the possibility of a better solution, according to Ury, I read his book from cover to cover. Here is the gist of his message:

The Yes-No-Yes formula - Faced with a situation where you need to decline a request, before you say No, think of what you are saying Yes to.  The idea is to honor your own priorities (yes to you), turn down a request (no to them) while leaving the opportunity to reach a compromise (yes to us--reaching a mutually beneficial agreement). For example, a colleague asks you to join an employee group. You want to help him but your free time is currently focused on your family.  Your first Yes (to yourself) is to mentally acknowledge that your family comes first. Your No is to thank your colleague for thinking of you while remaining firm in your decision.Your second Yes is to reaffirm your relationship with your colleague while finding other ways to be involved.

Ury applies this 1-2-3 concept to each of the three stages of a positive No:  preparation, delivery and follow through.  So, there is a yes-no-yes step when you are preparing to respond; another yes-no-yes when you are turning down the request, and a last yes-no-yes to reitorate your position.

Think of it as a cha-cha-cha step.  The book is an easy read with lots of examples to guide you through the process.  I won't take No for an answer!

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Comments

[Whitney Johnson]

Ana --

I recently bought this book, and only started to read it. Reading your blog reminds me that yes, I really want to read it.

I appreciated your comment that your style tends to be accommodating. Mine too.

I wonder if this is pretty consistent for women because women are only feminine when we are giving something to someone else. And, if, his ideas will help women to say no without feeling that we've sacrificed our femininity?

Looking forward to the read.

My best,

Whitney
www.whitneyjohnson.com

[Anna]

Whitney,
Based on anecdotal information, I can safely say that women's style to say No is generally accommodating. I see several reasons for this. One is definitely what you point out (giving = femininity). Other reasons are a preference to avoid confrontation, no time to address issue, no one can do it like I can.
I don't believe Ury's book will help any woman who feels she is sacrificing being a woman by saying No. She needs to first become her own advocate and get in the right mindset before using the tools Ury suggests. A Positive No, in my view, is an empowering experience and somehow empowerment and the feeling of sacrifice don't seem to go together.
Hope this is useful. Let's continue the conversation,
Anna